WHY

You know that saying "just let sleeping dogs lie"? I hate that saying. Not only because I don't know of any reason to wake up a sleeping dog, but because it's...just stupid.

I've always been an answer-seeker. Inquisitive to the point of annoying, I will always try to find out the answer. To anything. This has worked well for me in school, work, and in just being an overall smartypants, but it's also done me a bit of damage. There are certain past events, certain things that have happened that have been very hard for me to move past. Yes, they were painful and traumatic, but it's not for those reasons I remain stuck. No, it's because I don't understand why they happened.

For several years, I refused to attend any family function, including holidays. I couldn't physically be in a room with people who had hurt me so deeply without regard or admittance and pretend like nothing ever happened. Eventually those people who had hurt me so long ago decided to try and make amends. They gave me a general apology for their behavior, and that was that, problem solved, make way for the rainbows and unicorns.

But that wasn't enough for me. I needed more than a blanket "I'm sorry". What about the "why"? Why did you do this to me? That answer never came, and it took me a very long time to accept that it never would.

I was talking to someone at work this evening. This person told me that everything one feels is purely a state of mind. Stress, fatigue, anger, depression - all in the mind, all easily controlled. But what about the things that happen that are beyond our control, I asked. The effects of those things, more importantly, the reasons why they happened; if we can't understand them or if we don't see a reason or they were unjust, what do we do? This person told me what I've heard time and time again: look to the future. Surround yourself with positive things and work toward your dreams, and the "why's" won't matter.

Huh.

Well, I believe there is some truth to that, but it's easier for some. I freak out if I don't finish a crossword puzzle, so it's hard for me to foresee the day when I'm content with no answer. Every day brings me a little closer, but the tunnel, at times, seems unbearably long.