Stop coming to my restaurant. I can not stand you. The world has mistakenly told you that you and your kind are highly desirable, that looking like a scarecrow with that dried out blond hair and leathery skin is the height of beauty and sophistication. But when you step through the doors of the Restarante y Cantina, you're in a different world.My world. All of your airs and effected mannerisms mean nada. Just to let you know, I've been about a half of a step away from doing something unbelieveably disgusting to your food for some time now. But I thought I should give your middle-aged-shoved-into-teenage-girl's-clothes ass a chance to redeem youself. So below are a list of changes that you will make, effective immediately:
- You will look me in the eye everytime I speak to you or, you speak to me.
- When you do look at me, you will not act as if it pains you to do so.
- You will personally tell me your order, and not relay it through your husband even though I am standing right-the-fuck in front of you.
- You will speak to me pleasantly, not as if it the act of speaking to me is causing you physical discomfort.
- You will never again order diet coke with lemon. Ever.
- You will not ask me to break down the calorie content of anything on the menu. You will not bust out your Weight Watchers guidebook and ask me how many points the Enchiladas Mole would be worth.
- You and your four identically horrifying friends will not come during lunchtime, order one entree split four ways, drink water with lemon and stay for two hours.
- When I approach your table at any time, you and said harpies/friends will cease talking for a few moments while I do my job. You will not allow me to stand there while you continue to talk to each other and then look up in collective annoyance as if I'm bothering you when all I'm trying to do is take your damn order.
- You will tell your sad, sad clone of a teenage daughter to stop text messaging/get off her cell phone long enough for me to take her order. I know you're grooming her to be Bitch II, but you can continue those lessons elsewhere.
There is more, but I will leave you with this short list for now. I doubt you'll ever take any of this to heart, although it is in your best interest to do so. I'm expecting to see a change in your behavior next time you visit my restaurant. If not, I will #$%^@#$ in your low calorie side of salad dressing and I will %@^*$# in your glass of chablis, only after I lick all of your silverware. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Love Always,
Mujer Morena
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