LIFE

There are many people who just exist. They don't see each day as an opportunity, each moment as a another chance. They move through life below the surface, not noticing the beauty of the world around them. I have been one of those people. I worked hard, had a few friends, lived a "normal" life. But I was so empty inside. The only thing I ever felt was anger and a deep, deep sadness. When I began to acknowledge that void within, that unbearable loneliness, I decided to jump into life. The life I chose, however, only served to deepen that hole in my soul. I traveled a reckless road for a long time, telling myself that everything I was involved in was ok, because it made me feel better.

The last couple of years I have spent analyzing that gaping void. After I finally came to grips with why it was there, I knew I had to do something about it. But somehow that seemed like an overwhelming task. So after taking one step forward, I took two steps back, regressing into the life that provided an easy emotional fix. Doing something about my life seemed like hard work that I just wasn't up for.

A few months ago there came an event that forced my crazy roller coaster to a screeching halt. Since then, I try to remain aware of the world around me, to try and put myself in it. But unfortunately, the journey to fulfillment can be awfully lonely. The things I once did, the people I once surrounded myself are no longer apart of my life. The process of "finding oneself" isn't one that includes others.

I know in time I'll find new friends. I hope one day the sadness won't creep up on me unexpectedly anymore. It's getting better though, little by little. I find new things to love about life all the time, smiles are more frequent, and the vise that gripped my heart for twenty years has loosened. But I still haven't found my place in the scheme of things, and it's so confusing sometimes. At times I'm afraid I'll never find it.